Finding Peace with a Chronic Illness

Why do I blog? To Share my Life of living with lupus to spread awareness.

Finding out I had Lupus was very overwhelming to me. It was bad enough going through a divorce, but this on top of everything else. I really felt like I just wanted to die and I started living my life by just going through the motions. I simply wanted to my life to be over. It was not easy for me to deal with the pain and fatigue amongst other things. I was planning on going to college for something in the medical field and well I felt like I had simply been shot down. When I was first symptomatic I was in complete denial because I did not know what my body was doing and how I was going to cope with the chronic pain. The hardest thing about the illness was the pain I felt everyday that did not end. I got up with the pain and went to bed with the pain. I simply did not know how to stop the pain and tried to run away from it. I complained to my doctor and it was like pulling teeth to get him to give me something for pain. I hated taking any kind of medication at all so this went totally against any of my beliefs. He did finally give me a medication called Ultracet which is a combination of Ultram and Tylenol. It worked for a short period of time, but the pain just simply fought against the medication. Here I was in the prime of my life and I was living someone else’s nightmare of living in constant pain day after day. I asked myself “Why Me” and I still have not got the answer to that question. Later, I started having extremely bad pain in my legs to the point that I felt like someone was torturing me with hot pokers. Once again, I wanted to crawl in a closet and die. So many doctors down played the pain in my legs and I thought that I was going to go out of my mind. After four years, I was finally diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy it was a relief to a certain degree. I finally had validation that I was not crazy like many doctors were saying. I can still feel the relief deep within my soul. It was then that I finally accepted for the most part my sickness. I still have my moments of depression, and anger, but I’ve learned to look for the positive things in my life. A simple smile and puppy dog kisses are worth a million dollars to me. You never really appreciate the small things until you have your life turned upside down from a chronic illness. I have said to a lot of people appreciate your health because you never know when the rug of health will be pulled out from underneath your feet.

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I Hate Writers Block

I don’t seem to be able to find the words I need to write today. I seem to be having some kind of writers block and this is not fun. I hope it don’t last long because I love to write. Writing has giving me a way to release everything while dealing with lupus and life in general. In many ways it’s been my way out. It helps me leave the disease behind for a few moments I guess it just one of those days when I just can not write many words. I Just Hate Writers Block especially when it’s Your Own Therapy. Well I can only hope it passes soon. Some of it’s probably my pure exhaustion of living with lupus and chronic fatigue. I hate having very little energy.

Finding Peace in the Serenity Prayer

I am so happy to be able type like normal now because my wrist is a lot better. It’s been a real struggle getting it better. It has been really hard typing with one hand, especially when you have pain in the wrist joint anyway. I am still wearing an ace bandage on my wrist for support because of the pain, but at least I can use it to type. It’s amazing how you can take for granted the use of your arm. It has made me really appreciate both of my hands. I really do feel for someone that has no use of their arms or legs for that matter. Prior to being sick I can honestly say I had never thought of sickness affecting my life. Lupus has totally turned my life upside down. I went from working in a nursing home as a nursing assistant which was a job I really loved. Actually, I planned on going to school to be a nurse or something else in the medical field. Each day I say the serenity prayer to myself. I like the words in it that say “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.” It helps me realize that I did not chose lupus and is nothing I can do to make the lupus go away. So I end this with these words “Don’t Ever Take Your Health For granted Because You does not know What Your Missing until Its Gone.”

My Poor Wrist Still Hurts

Its been a trying few days dealing with my wrist. Its still hurt from the fall. I move it a certain way and it hurts so bad. Worst yet my thumb is involved in the injury. I hope it heals soon. I hate pecking the keys on the computer. Its very annoying. I hate falling an it seems to be my new hobby. Geez I just can not win.

Struggles during the Holidays

Deciding to get some help with a drug and alcohol problem is a very difficult decision. This time of year it is especially difficult for a lot of people. It seems like this time of year brings out the worse with addictions and depression especially if it’s untreated. Many people decide to wait until after the holidays to go into an Alcohol Rehab Program because they do not want to leave family and friends during the holidays. Going into an Alcohol Rehabilitation Program can be the best gift to your family because they don’t have to see you hurting your self by using alcohol and drugs. They can feel at peace that you are getting some help with you addictions. It’s actually a priceless gift to your family, but most of all yourself. It would be a good way to bring in the New Year with a clean slate. Many people make New Year resolutions to lose weight, and exercise, but you could easily make your new years resolution to stay clean and sober. A lot of Alcohol Rehabs have great programs to help your family be supportive to you or they can direct your family to find meetings such a Alanon or ACOA for people affected by another persons addiction. Just think of it this way that your sobriety is a priceless gift to your family. I wish you many good things in the New Year as you climb up the ladder called life.

Wordpress Help Please :)

Hello My Fellow Bloggers,

I am wanting to revamp my site to have its own feel. I downloaded a new theme that is totally blank slate, but I want to add my own back ground for the colors from paper I created and my own header, but I don’t know how to do it. If someone could help me or give me a direction of where to go. The theme kit I downloaded is from WP Themer kit. I just want my own theme that no one has. If anyone has some in-site on how to add my own background and header I would appreciate it.

Happy Bloging

Economy Rant

With Christmas only a few days away, I have mixed emotions about the holiday. Ya, I know its sad but its simply how I feel. I have a lot of I wish I Had’s. So many people have no home to call their own and this makes me sad. I wish I had a way to help these people, but I feel like my hands are simply tied. Its so sad that our economy is in such turmoil and it took so long for some people to realise just how bad things are. The gas prices went up, but peoples income did not go up. Its irritating to see so many people hurting and nothing done about it. Its sad that big companies are more important then the small fries in this world. If it wasn’t for the small fries the big fries would not have anything. Its very very sad that our economy is so bad. I just don’t understand why it took so long for the “Powers to be” to see things.  I guess its easier to wear Rosy glasses, then to do anything about it.  Its hard to purchase healthy food, but don’t have the “healthy” food income that they say we need, but sorry folks I won’t give up my chocolate. I know I have been on a rant her, but this just plain old pisses me off when the powers to be take food and clothing and homes away from so many people.

15 Years Later

Today we had cake for my daughters birthday. It was really nice. She likes to bake so we made it together. She got a few gifts of clothing and she was happy with her gifts. Its funny, but I hear of so many parents saying their kids aren’t happy with the gifts they get and she always is appreciative of what she gets. I felt guilty because things are so slim this year. I am happy I could give her a few gifts for her birthday. I am very proud of her. I like to write so I wrote her letter in place of a card. I think it gives more of a personal touch and I think its better to write from the heart, then a card written by strangers, but I still like cards written by others that convey from the senders heart. I often get angry at myself for having lupus and my lack of energy. It plain old sucks to deal with the crap called lupus. It sucks for the person, their family and friends.